We all have lost something at some time and somewhere throughout our lives. Some people are more forgetful than others and to be completely honest, sometimes shit just happens. You can lose a lot of different things (take it from me LOL). You can lose your wallet, your jacket, lose someone in your life, lose a relationship or just lose your shit. This past year I have lost a good amount of stuff both literally and figuratively and these are my thoughts on just that.
I moved to NYC about a year ago and boooooy talk about a whirlwind. I mean, picture this- I came to the city and in four days had to find a suitable apartment and then move into said apartment the next week so that I could begin classes at a film program I was accepted into. Of course with moving comes chaos (not that much chaos...thank you mom for helping me move. I owe you the moon and stars) and with chaos comes losing some shit. Now I mean misplacing some shit but also losing my temper (when every apartment we looked at that we liked was snatched up within moments of thinking about taking it), losing my mind (in Ikea whilst bed shopping for 75 hours), and losing weight (I moved in august and I don't think I have ever sweat so much in my life...ever). Once I was seemingly settled though I realized that another thing I had lost in that move (without sounding too dramatic) was a little piece of my youth **tear**. I had left college and moved into my first apartment in the city to begin "my life" (I say my life in quotes because I was already living obviously buuut I am talking about my adult life here...I hope you understand). I had a left a little piece of myself behind, the college Sawyer and now it was time to be adult Sawyer! This was hard to believe as I made dinosaur chicken nuggets and canned green beans one night for dinner but by god I was doing the damn thing.
The year went on and other things were lost. The first week I **lost** my phone at a club (it was stolen and that is the last time I ever keep my phone in my back pocket at a club). I lost the bottom of one of my heels so when I walked I half sounded like I had one hoof like a horse...that was fun yet annoying. One of my rings I wore everyday was lost :'( and I also lost my favorite carpet coat on a city bike when I put it in the front basket and it slipped out mid-ride and I didn't see it (that still BOGGLES my mind). I also got hopelessly lost pretty much everyday trying to navigate the city. But one of the biggest things I lost was a relationship. Now I am not going to drone on about this but thinking about it a few months out, I realize this has changed me the most.
Losing a relationship in your life is not easy. It's honestly just weird because pretty much everything in your life changes. Your world shifts a bit and getting used to that is hard. There is no guide or how to book on how to deal with it but thankfully I have the best friends and family in the world to help a sistah out (don't say yours are better because then there will be an argument and things could get messy ok). I was also thankful I had my VO, improv and acting work as well as two amazing kids I nanny to help take my mind off of it. Oh and working out. I do not care what you say but turning to exercise whether it be pilates, yoga, underwater cycling or dance dance revolution is the BEST. Like I said, it was mostly hard because I had to get used to a part of my life that seemed to just suddenly black out. Like someone switched off a radio and where there was sound it was just silence...and it was jarring but I learned to be ok sitting in that silence and honestly kind of enjoy it. By losing that relationship I found that I grew up a bit and also got to know myself a little bit more. I took time to step back and learn more about me and with that I grew (and am still growing) exponentially. Big Adult Girl Lesson #426: Heartbreak is sucky and sad and no fun but sometimes it is necessary for growth.
You win some, You lose some is a saying and I am not sure who said it but if I ever met them I would give them a high five (nothing more because I don't want to overly flatter them but just let them know that I agree). I gained some amazing things this last year: an exquisite roommate, a new agent and manager, new jobs, new friends, a new coat (rip carpet coat I miss you always) and most importantly, a new side of myself. I still eat dino chicken nuggets because animal shaped food tastes better but now I use fresh green beans and I will NEVER go back to canned (thank you trader joes). I would not change even a fraction of a second of this last year (ok maybe one fraction like when I got lost in Brooklyn my first week here and my phone died and I sat on the curb of a library and ate candied pecans and cried because of sheer exhaustion) but besides that nothing. This year has been a crazy whirlwind of ups and downs but everyone I talk to who I look to for advice says that is normal in your 20s and I really believe that is true. I guess the biggest thing I learned is that yes, losing your shit (literally and/or figuratively) sucks but sometimes losing it is honestly the best thing that can happen to you.